My Breakdown

Our family has been having prayer time together for a while now, every night before bed. We talk about our day, talk about any specific praises or prayer needs, and then Dad prays. We usually sit in a circle and hold hands. A couple of nights ago, for some reason, Dad wanted to stand. My next-to-youngest son was on my left. As I reached for his hand, I looked up at him. UP. I looked UP at him!!! When did that happen??!?? It was like a kick in the chest, all of the sudden, the last almost 17 years of my life rushed by me, like it does in the movies. WHEN did this HAPPEN??? The tears came, I couldn't breathe good, I was trying to control it but I couldn't stop the flow of hot tears running down my face.

I was always pretty good at controlling my emotions. I was sensitive...to a point. And then I had KIDS. I don't know what happens when you give birth the first time, but it must flip some sort of switch in a woman. Let's call it the "weepy, prone to crying jags over things that previously would have never fazed you" button. There is an old song, it used to be in a feature on Sesame Street. The words are :

Where are you going my little one..little one
Where are you going my baby ..my own
Turn around and you're two
Turn around and you're four
Turn around and you're a young babe
Going out of the door
Where are you going my little one..little one
Where are you going my baby..my own
Turn around and you're six
Turn around and you're eight
Turn around and you're a young lass/lad
going out of the gate
Where are you going my little one...little one
Where are you going my baby ...my own
Turn around and you're young
Turn around and you're grown
Turn around and you're a young girl/man
With babes of your own

Holy cow, I used to watch that with my olders, when they were really small, and just hold them and SOB. That one would do it to me (still does, I'm fighting back tears now, and not very successfully), and also "Baby Mine" from the movie "Dumbo".

I would resolve myself to pay close attention to every smile, every clever little thing they would do. I was determined not to miss ANY of it, and to hold onto it. I wasn't going to let it go by that easy, not me!

Well guess what. Somehow, someway, it did. It's so true, it goes by SO fast, people will tell you. Two nights ago, I turned around and my babies were grown. Yes, I know they are not adults yet. But at 13, 15, and almost 17...they are pretty darn close.

Don't get me wrong...I'm very proud of them. I'm proud of the men and the woman they are becoming. They are not perfect, but they have very imperfect parents, so that's no surprise. ;)
And now I have another little one. Already 2 years old and it seems like he was born last week. I have the same resolve to not miss a second of his growing up. But I know that one day, I'll turn around and he will be a young man on his way, just like his brothers are. Until then, I will hold him all he will let me.

Find Your Wings
It’s only for a moment, that you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you, will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I’ll pray, for all that you might do
But most of all I’ll want to know, you’re walking in the truth
And if I’ve never told you, I want you to know that as I watch you grow
I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams,
and that faith gives you the courage, to dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings, so let my love give you roots,
and help you find your wings

May passion be the wind that leads you through your days
and may convictions keep you strong, guide you on your way
May there be many moments that make your life so sweet,
but more than memories
I pray that God will fill your heart with dreams,
and that faith gives you the courage, to dare to do great things
I’m here for you whatever this life brings, so let my love give you roots
and help you find your wings

It’s not living if you don’t reach for the sky
I’ll have tears as you take off
But I’ll cheer you as you fly
I will give you roots and help you find your wings
Mark Harris

*Edited to add, obviously I didn't take these photos myself, and this is kind of getting away from the "365" concept. But I don't have another blog, and sometimes you just gotta let it out. :)